Wednesday, November 2, 2011

If it doesn't kill you....

I'm really not a huge fan of the song (actually it kind of annoys me) but it's true: if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.
Now I haven't ruled out grad. school killing me yet, so I'll leave that door open slightly. However I feel like the chances of that are slim. To sum it up, it's midterms and I have never felt so far in over my head. I literally spent every waking moment(save basic needs and attending church this past weekend studying for ONE test that took me an hour and 20 minutes to take, and i'm not even sure i did well on. I have one more huge test, a presentation, an evaulation, 2 projects, 4 small-ish papers AND 4 clinic sessions to get through before Friday at 10 am rolls around. (Do I have time to even be blogging about this? no, not really.) I was talking with a classmate (lamenting, really) about how if all of this would have happened in undergrad I would have switched majors like it was going to save my life (and looking back, it really would have I think).
As I mulled that over,I questioned my motivation and why I'm doing this. Because it may be the new definition of insanity.  But I talked to myself about passion, and told myself that it's because I want to change the life of children. But then I really thought "Do I love them that much? Because this is crazy." And it turns out, I do.

Being given the ultimate Model of sacrifice, well, makes me feel like a complete whine-er. But yes. I will work this hard to be qualified to change someone's life. I will work this hard to be able to give someone the gift of hearing their child say "I love you, Mom" one day. I will work this hard to give people the chance to have life handed back to them.

So if infact, grad school does not end me, it will only make me a better clinician, a better person, a more APPRECIATIVE person, a more passionate person, a more alive person.

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