Sunday, October 2, 2011

Breathe in, breathe out

So much as been happening lately I haven't had time to even breathe, let alone use my computer for much more than school e-mails and writing reports. It's October 2, a new month. So much has been happening and going on in my head and heart...but I'll see what I can do about summing it up.

I look back and remember what a great struggle and growing time this summer was for me, and somehow I had convinced myself that getting into grad school would be the last time I had to worry about anything school related....I was in and I could take it from there. Now as you shake your head with me, I think it goes without saying that I was completely wrong. This past month (plus a few weeks) has been almost as difficult as applying for grad. school; I go through about every emotion possible on a weekly basis. Some say that I'm still adjusting- but I guess I just never imagined that adjusting would take this long. I'm not sure how long I thought it would take, but somehow I had subconsciously imagined  being well-adjusted, succeeding, and merrily on my way by now. God, however, is continuing to teach me that I am human; a concept that I seem to have difficulty remembering. He's continuing to show me, on a daily basis. that I need him and I truly can not be here without him.

That being said, classes are hard and I'm continually reminded that His grace is perfect in my weakness, because I will be the first one to tell you that I am weak and incomplete. I'm having to put to death my perfectionistic, and independently so, ways and they aren't going down without a fight. I take everything on, and I have SO much more than I anticipated being put on me...all at the same time...and it is incredibly overwhelming. His power is perfect in my weakness-but how weak am I willing to let myself be?

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:6-7)
"In due time". Sigh. How I need to let go of  my idea of timing. And "Cast"...that's a word that's really been standing out to me lately. How often do I really truly cast my cares on Him? Not just let go, or give away a tiny piece of, or let go and pick back up again, but to really cast them on Jesus? To truly throw them to Him and let Him handle things on His own?

Oh, all this learning, and I haven't even mentioned what I'm learning in school...

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